quickjam (quickjam) wrote in vaginismus,

Double Triumph.

I arrived at my boyfriend's house yesterday, when the evening came 'round..

I decided to try and see whether I could insert a dilator in his presence (could never do this in the past, too nervous). I did it with basically no pain whatsoever! I was really pleased - hadn't done that before. Then we decided to see if I could insert his penis. Managed to get it half-way in but, it was far too painful.

Not sure if anyone else gets this, but there's a degree of pain I call "9" (as in 9 out of 10) where it hurts so much that everything must remain still until I have time to calm down - makes me feel kind of faint, "10" pain is where there's just no way in hell anything will get through in the first place. Anyways,

So then we continue by giving ourselves pleasure instead but, then - on a whim - I just started shifting myself towards him to try again, whilst we were kissing and such. Success (although getting it in did hurt a little - what I would call "3" a bearable yet nevertheless annoying pain)! Then he started moving in and out getting faster as the time went by, it didn't hurt whatsoever as I think I was too consumed by the moment to worry about it hurting.

It was great. However, straight afterwards I [unexpectedly, for me at least] burst into tears. I have no idea why, I couldn't stop crying for a little while. My boyfriend said he expected it and that it was because of the shock due to it being an emotional experience. I didn't feel happy afterwards you see, I just felt.. blank! Unreal. It didn't last for long either, as my boyfriend had already been stimulated for a good while, you know? It was also 04:00, so I was probably very tired.. which heightened the dreamy weird state I was in. It didn't matter too much, my boyfriend comforted me. But moving on to what I'm getting at,

 Yesterday, I had sex for the first time ever!  Yay. =D Very pleased.

Then today, we tried again and inserting was a lot quicker (not quick, but you know how it is!) - there was an interruption though, so we stopped.

I think I'm mentally feeling better about this everyday.
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